The Cupid Effect/Transcript

Monique: And then he said we'd go out for French food.

Kim: Sounds promising.

Monique: French fries, Kim.

Kim: Well...

Monique: Drive-through.

Kim: Ouch.

Monique: I'm a scrub magnet, no use denying.

Kim: So not. What happened to LeSean?

Monique: LeGone. I don't wanna sound desperate, but V-day's coming.

Kim: Um, that sounded kinda desperate.

Monique: Valentine's Day, the worst time of the year to be all lonely-hearted. You and Ron probably have a big time all planned, don't you?

Kim: Now that you mention it, he hasn't mentioned it.

Monique: It's your first Valentine as a couple and you don't have reservations or anything?!

Kim: Well, maybe he, uh... forgot.

Monique: You never forget a holiday when you work retail, girl.

Ron: Hey, KP!

Kim: Hey, how come you're not at work?

Ron: Yeah, pet department's closed for a while. Some cages were left open. Food chain issues. Um... What's with all the hearts?

Monique: I'm gonna go get some more stock, from the room, with the stock.

Kim: You do know what happens in February. Don't you, Ron?

Ron: Groundhog Day. Presidents Day. Dental Health Month! Oh, that reminds me! Rufus! Happy Dental Health month, KP. It has a tongue scraper on the back.

Kim: Ahem, Valentine's Day.

Ron: Oh, uh, I don't celebrate. I mean, yeah, you know, I never had a girlfriend on... Oli Canoli! I have a girlfriend on Valentine's Day!

Kim: Mmhm.

Ron: Wow! This is huge!

Wade: Kim!

Kim: Huh?

Ron: Ahh! Wade! You know what? You gotta warn me, when you're going real-world!

Wade: Sorry, time for a new battery. You got three or four years out of the old one, though.

Kim: Thanks, Wade.

Wade: And I upgraded your plugs-ins. Check it. X-ray mode!

Monique: Hey, Wade.

Wade: Hey. Mo... Mo... Mo...

Ron: Uh, is this Robo-Wade?

Wade: Monique... Hi... I... I... Um.

Monique: Wade, you okay?

Kim: Uh, oh....

[cut to theme song]

Ron: Wade crushing on Monique? Kooky... isn't it?

Monique: 10.5 on the weirdness scale.

Ron: Out of...?

Kim: Ron! You are not trying to set up Monique with Wade.

Ron: I'm a romantic.

Kim: Who forgot about Valentine's Day.

Ron: Toothbrush, Kim. Yours if you want it.

Kim: Have to admit, Wade is kinda sweet, isn't he?

Monique: Sweet? Sure, but..

Ron: And a college grad.

Monique: Who won't be old enough to drive for four more years! Us going out is like one chance in... never!

Ron: So there is chance. A...booyah.

Kim: He's five years younger! Hello?! (sigh) Maybe if I talk to Wade.

[cut to Wade's room]

Wade: Kim, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Kim: I saw how you were looking at Monique.

Wade: I wasn't looking at anything. I never saw her in person before. And.. and she smelled so... nice. Oh, mom's calling. Gotta go. Uh, situation. Earth's gonna hit an asteroid...comet... something... President called... losing signal!

Wade's mom: Wade! Honey, Ron's here!

Wade: What? Ron? Here?

Ron: Wade!

Wade: I don't know what you're talking about!

Ron: Ugh. Okay, this is me, Wade. You, my friend, have a problem. And I'm the solution. And when I talk to Monique.....

Wade: What?!

Ron: She said she'd go out with you.

Wade: What?! Wait! Say that again.

Ron: In a roundabout, non-committal, sort of way. So, I'm gonna teach you the fine art of charming and disarming.

Wade: You?

Ron: Yes, me. Excuse me! Who is dating Kim Possible?

Wade: Yeah, but the laws of extreme improbability inexplicably worked out in your favor.

Ron: And we'll make them work out for you.

[cut to Men's Suits]

Ron: Okay, now, Monique's an older woman and you're a young dude. So, we gotta make you seem more mature.

Wade: Shouldn't I just be myself?

Ron: Mmm, that only works in cartoons. Ah, now see, this is a mature man's coat.

[cut to Hair Salon]

Ron: Eh, you're too well-groomed. You need stubble.

Wade: But I don't shave.

Ron: We'll use Super Le Goop! (rubs Le Goop on Wade's face and puts hair cuttings on his face) And a little of this. Okay, almost there. Yeah, I'm thinking taller. Maybe a hat!

[cut to Steve's Hats]

Ron: Perfect!

Wade: I look like Lincoln!

Ron: Ready for Presidents Day! Oh, and Groundhog Day. Apparently.

[cut to Club Banana]

Wade: Are you sure about this?

Ron: Absolutely. Look, I'll be right here. And if you feel yourself at a loss for words, I wrote this for you.

Wade: Your writing is kind of hard to read.

Ron: Yeah, but as long as you can feel it.

Wade: What?! Hey, ladies.

Kim: Wade... celebrating Presidents Day early?

Wade: Hi, Mo.. Mo...uh... Mo... Mo... uh...

Monique: Mo-nique.

Ron: (whispers) Notes! Go to the notes!

Wade: Oh, um. The humble earthworm is vital to agriculture. It moves through the soil by excreting lubricating mucus.

Kim/Monique: Ewww!

Ron: Okay, wait! That's my Biology report! Wait, oh! That means!

[cut to Barkin's classroom]

Barkin: (crying) Awww, that's a lovely thought. A+, Stoppable, A+.

[cut to Mall Security]

Wade: Apparently, impersonating a president is against Mall Regulations.

Ron: So, you hit a little snafu.

Wade: Why is romance so much harder than microelectronics?

Ron: Well, you know, things would be a lot easier if, oh, I don't know, you just invent a love-ray that would make Monique fall in love with you.

Wade: Hmm. Booyah.

[cut to Wade's room]

Wade: By synthesizing certain pheromones in the love-inducing chemical found in chocolate, this cupid-ray will send out sonic pulses to Monique's emotional cortex.

Wade's mom:: Uh, honey.

Wade: Mom! I'm busy!

Wade's mom:: But Wade, Ron's here.

Ron: Dude, I've got it! What's that?

Wade: It's a ...bun-warmer?

Ron: Cool. Got any?

Wade: What?

Ron: Warm buns?

Wade: Maybe later.

Ron: Okay, look. I've figured out where we went wrong. Location, location..

Wade: Location?

Ron: Yes! You need to whisk Monique away, to the City of Lice.

Wade: You mean Paris? The City of Lights?

Ron: Oh.... Oh, is that?.... Okay, is that what it is? 'Cause I never got the whole lice angle.

Wade: And you think Monique will just let me just whisk her off to Paris?

Ron: That's the genius part.

[cut to Paris, France]

Kim: I thought you said the Eiffel Tower was in danger?

Ron: It is in danger! Of rust! Eventually.

Kim: That's the reason we had to hurry off to France?

Monique: And tell me again why I'm here?

Ron: Back up. Yeah, I doubt KP and I could handle this baby alone. And did you know it's the City of Lights, not Lice?

Kim: Ron? You wanna tell me why we're really here? Wait. Paris? The two of us? Valentine's Day? Wow! You're being romantic!

Monique: And me as back-up.

[cut to Cafe de Paris]

Ron: All clear Rufus?

Rufus: Okay!

Ron: Wade, you ready? Wade?

Wade: Hey, Ron!

Ron: I told you to meet me here at six!

Wade: I can't do this on empty.

Ron: Okay, I'll go in first. Then you just happen to come in. We'll tell them, you know, you're fixing the French Internet or something.

Wade: Gotcha.

Ron: You're not nervous?

Wade: Not this time.

Ron: Hey-hey! Your bun-warmer! That's a good idea. This town's lousy with bread.

[cut to Kim and Monique]

Kim: Fixing the French Internet?

Monique: Isn't it the World Wide Web?

Ron: Yeah, except when it ... breaks... into pieces. Right, Wade?

Kim: I smell a set-up! Ron? Convo! Now!

Ron: Okay, now remember confi.......

[exit Kim and Ron]

Monique: Look, Wade. Okay, I know what it's like to crush, I do, but......(interrupted by Wade blasting her with the love-ray) You're so adorable! I can't believe you came all the way to Paris, just to see me!

[cut to Señor Senior, Sr. spying on Wade and Monique]

SSS: What's this? The boy genius, who helps Kim Possible? Apparently, he has invented a.......love machine?

[enter Señor Senior, Jr.]

SSJ: Father, do you think this is enough Le Goop to last me through a weekend? I hear it may rain. Oh! You are spying! I want to peek!

SSS: (sighs) But just for a moment. You have your own opera eyeglasses.

[cut to Ron and Kim]

Kim: Ron, why are you encouraging him? He's just going to get hurt.

Ron: Ohhh, really?

[cut to Wade and Monique, Ron and Kim in the background]

Monique: (laughs) Lice.

[cut to Ron and Kim]

Kim: What? How? They look like-

Ron: They're in love?

Kim: Yeah, but-

Ron: Paris.

Kim: Paris.

[cut to Señor Senior, Sr. and Señor Senior, Jr.]

SSS: To control love in such a way.

SSJ: We must steal it and find a way to use it for evil.

SSS: I am bursting with pride, my son.

SSJ: (laugh) I was looking over your shoulder and I read your notes.

SSS: Jr., that was cheating. I am so proud.

[cut to Club Banana]

Kim: Hey, Monique. Sorry, I'm late.

Monique: (whisper) Are you alone?

Kim: Monique? Why are you a mannequin?

Monique: Just avoiding someone.

Kim: Who?

Monique: Wade! That's who!

Kim: I thought you guys were an item.

Monique: I don't know what we are! All I know is something super freaky weird is going on.

[enter Wade]

Wade: Hey, Kim. Hey, girl.

Monique: Say what?

(Wade throws a shirt on the floor to distract Kim and blasts Monique with the love-ray)

Monique: Say what are you doing over there, baby? Come give mommy-mom some sugar.

Kim: Sugar?

Monique: Couldn't you just pour him on a stack of pancakes?

Kim: Did you do something?

Wade: Did you see something?

Kim: I'm not sure.

Wade: Then... no.

Monique: Kim just doesn't understand about us, baby boy.

Kim: Baby boy? No kidding.

[cut to Señor Senior Sr, and Señor Senior, Jr. at Wade's house]

SSJ: (sneezes)

SSS: Good day, madame, We have a delivery of flowers from your loving spouse.

Wade's Mom:: From Lontaine? My husband? Are you sure you have the right house?

SSS: Yes, this is the house of the spouse.

SSJ: (sneeze)

Wade's Mom:: Uh, is he feeling all right?

SSJ: No! My eyes are watering and I'm all-

SSS: Oh, he is robust and now, where would you like your extravagant fresh flowers?

[cut to Wade and Monique]

Monique: And what does my little manage boy want to eat, something sweet? Liiiike, you! (laugh)

Wade: This was worth leaving my room for.

Monique: Okay, how about some yummy pizza or a big ol' burger and- (love-ray wears off) Oh, Wade, what? Hey!

Wade: Uh, oh. (blasts Monique with love-ray)

Monique: I think we have something that we should share. We should share something! Let's see, share... a sundae! Okay, okay, you go find a table and I will be right there.

[enter Ron]

Ron: Dude, making time with the ladies.

Wade: Oh. Hey, Ron. Guess I picked the right guy to school me.

Ron: Word. You do mean me, right?

Monique: Double fudge sundae for my sweet little thang. (kisses Wade) Forgot a spoon. Don't miss me too much.

Wade: (laugh)

Ron: Wow! Genius of love, too!

Monique (love-ray wears off) Wade! You are playing the wrong- (blasted by Wade again) Oh, you are so tasty! Mmm.

Ron: What? Wait, you just did something with the bun-warmer. Can I borrow that?

Monique: (kisses Wade) Okay, I gotta go back to work. But know I'll be thinking of you, my little boo.(laughs) Bye! (exits)

Ron: Okay, okay, thats not really a bun-warmer, is it? Because my bun is lukewarm and Monique is all hottie hot.

Wade: Okay, it's a device that makes girls falls in love with me. I invented it.

Ron: What? That's great! That's.. that's.. wrong! Oh, so wrong! Wade! Wait, which means it wasn't my mad love school skills?

Wade: Well, you gave me the idea for the love-ray. That's something.

Ron: Me? No, I didn't! (gasps) Oh, so when I said... and then you thought... then you did...

Wade: Yep.

Ron: Oh, Kim's so gonna blame me.

Wade: I just wanted Monique to like me for me.

Ron: So you zapped her with a ray?

Wade: Inventing things is what I do. So in a way, it's liking me for me, isn't it?

Ron: Well, yes. In a way. A sick and wrong way. But it is technically a way, I guess.

[cut to Wade's house]

Wade's Mom:: Woo, when Lontaine sends flowers, he sends flowers.

SSS: And now I will read the card.

SSJ: (sneeze) Papi, we do not have a card.

SSS: I will make something up to give you time to find the item. Now hurry.

[exit Señor Senior, Jr.]

SSS: To my dearest wife, may the romantic fragrance of nature's beauty merely echo you.

Wade's Mom:: Awww.

SSS: Please, shh. Don't interrupt.

Wade's Mom:: Ugh, sorry.

[cut to Wade's room]

SSJ: Hello, little genius kid. Oh! The plans for the love device! Papi will be so proud!

[cut to Señor Senior, Sr. and Wade's mother]

SSS: The wealth of the world shall be ours. Together we will chase around perdition's flame in our own dark.

[enter Señor Senior, Jr.]

SSJ: We have it!

SSS: Bravo, Jr. Signed, your loving husband. Happy Valentine's Day.

[exit Señor Senior, Sr. and Señor Senior, Jr.]

Wade's Mom:: Well, the flowers are nice. I don't know about that card, though.

[cut to the Possible house]

Kim: There's something odd going on. Today, it was almost like Wade had some sort of control over Monique.

Ron: What? Control? (laugh) Come on. They're just too kooky kids in love. Oh! Hey, look. TV.

Kim: Love? Monique was pretending to be a mannequin to avoid him.

Ron: My favorite show. Weather.

Kim: Yeah, it's partly cloudy and completely weird.

(Kimmunicator beeps)

Kim: So Wade?

Wade: Oh. Hey, Kim. Um, is Ron there?

Kim: Yeah. It's for you.

Wade: Ron, um. It looks like Jr. and Sr. have stolen plans to a certain device from my room.

Kim: What sort of device?

Ron: Um... uh... uh... Okay, okay! Wade invented a bun-warmer that makes girls fall in love with him!

Kim: I knew that bun-warmer wasn't right!

Wade: It was Ron's idea!

Ron: What?! Not intentionally!

Kim: Wade? What were you thinking!

Wade: I just really like Monique. I promise I won't use it again.

Kim: I'm disappointed in both of you.

Ron: Let's not play the blame game, KP. Unless you spot me 10 points and give me a head start.

Kim: All right. If Sr. has these plans, what's the worst case?

Wade: Well, it's not very powerful. The sonic effect is short range and short term.

Kim: So maybe there's some rich woman that Sr.'s after.

Ron: Yeah, you know, maybe an older woman who won't go out with him because he's too young.

Ron: Maybe not.

TV: The Ear Splitters rock Lowerton! The loudest band on the planet! Live! Tonight at the Lowerton Arena! Powered by their bone-rattling, million mega-watt, amplified speaker system! Your ears will be amplifried!

Kim: Wade, what if Sr. tried to amplify the love-ray?

Ron: Like, you mean, with a million mega-watts?

Wade: Oh, that'd be bad.

[cut to the Possible garage]

Wade: Hey, guys. Don't know if you've heard. Sr.'s planning a huge concert and broadcasting it world-wide.

Kim: So that's how they're going to use the cupid-ray. To control women all over the world.

Ron: KP, this concert is free! Booyah! We are so there! Ah, man. Ladies only. Well, that tanks.

Kim: Trap, Ron. We are not going to the concert. We're going to stop it.

Wade: And I'm going, too. This is all my fault, Well, Ron gave me the idea.

Ron: Ahh! I have lots of ideas! People usually don't act on them!

Wade: I want to help set things right.

Kim: Okay, but promise me you'll never use it again.

Wade: Promise. This has caused enough trouble.

Monique: (entering) Oh, no. Don't you all be driving off before I get my say. Wade, word!

Kim: Uh, Monique. We're in a hurry can you guys deal later?

Monique: Sorry, Kim. Dealing now. Wade, what you did was so- (Kim blasts Monique with love-ray) So adorable! That's my boo!

Kim: Uh, sorry, we really don't have time for this.

Monique: (cries) Wade, wait! Don't leave me!

Kim: Oh, fine. Bring her along.

[cut to Señor Senior, Sr and Señor Senior, Jr's. island]

Monique: I can not believe you used science for evil.

Wade: Technically, it was for love.

Monique: I don't care what it was for!

Kim: Guys, shut! Monique, don't make me zap you again.

Monique: Hmph.

Kim: Security's tight. We'll need to find a different way in.

Wade: I'll use my new grappling belt.

Ron: Uh, yeah. Good for you. But what about Monique. She's grapple-challanged.

Monique: Ahem. Yo, what's wrong with just going through the front gate.

Kim: Right, good idea. Just one problem. Ladies only.

Ron/Wade: (gasp)

Ron: Oh, no, you don't.

[cut to Ron and Wade dressed as ladies]

Wade: They did.

Ron: Hey, I've done this before. Course, I was brain-switched with Kim at the time.

[cut to Señor Senior, Sr. and Señor Senior, Jr. backstage]

SSS: With the speakers and this love apparatus, soon half of the world's population will be under our control.

SSJ: And then I will be worshipped by millions! But my social calender will be so full. Oh, I am tired even thinking on it. Hold the curtain! I need fizzy water for refreshment.

[cut to Kim, Ron, Wade and Monique in the crowd]

Wade: These (earplugs) will protect you from the effects of the cupid-ray.

Monique: Sure, now you give me these.

Kim: Okay, it's probably backstage.

Ron: Yeah, got your crowd control covered, KP. Make way! Big fans coming through! Hey! Watch the dress!

Security Guard: Man, some of these girls are bossy!

[cut to Señor Senior, Sr. announcing Señor Senior, Jr.]

SSS: Ladies from around the globe, welcome, to our concert of love. It is my sincere pleasure to present to you, Señor Senior, Jr.

SSJ: But you did not call me a pop sensation!

SSS: (sighs) And I assure you he is a pop sensation.

[enter Señor Senior, Jr. onstage]

SSJ: (singing) On the road to love, you must pay the toll. Exact change is required, 'cause that's the way I roll. I've got a tortured soul, and my heart, it has a hole. Because that's just the way I roll, baby. That's just the way I roll.

[cut to crowd]

Ron: Ugh, got anymore hearing protection?

Wade: I wish.

[cut to Señor Senior, Sr. activating love-ray]

[cut to crowd under effects of love-ray]

(Ron gets moshed and bumps into Monique, causing her earplugs to fall out)

Monique: Jr.? Jr.! I love you!

Ron: Hey, I was getting moshed!

Kim: You two take care of Monique. I'll stop Jr.

[cut to Kim onstage with Señor Senior, Jr.]

SSJ: Oh! Kim Possible!

Kim: Señor Senior, Jr.

SSJ: Are you not falling in love with me and my funky fresh moves?

Kim: Mmm, not so much.

(Señor Senior, Sr. sneaks up on Kim and pulls out her earplugs)

Kim: (screams) Jr.! Will you be my Valentine?

SSJ: I am expecting a lot of offers this year. I will think on it.

[cut to Ron, Wade, and Monique in crowd]

(Ron sees Señor Senior, Jr. and Kim onstage)

Ron: Kim? KP! We lost Kim.

Wade: Um, you distract Jr. I'll go backstage and shut down the cupid-ray.

Ron: What about Monique?

Wade: She's already mad at me, this can't make it any worse.

[cut to Señor Senior, Jr. and Kim onstage]

SSJ: (singing) You must pay the toll.

Ron: Gimme back my girlfriend! (rips off wig)

SSJ: (laughs)

Ron: Dude, what is so funny?

SSJ: (laughs) I thought you were a lady!

Ron: Well, you are no gentleman.

[cut to Señor Senior, Sr. and Wade backstage]

SSS: Ah, Kim Possible's genius helper.

Wade: That's super genius.

SSS: Your genius can not beat my evil or treachery. Have you met my bodyguards, Evil and Treachery? Get him!

Wade (grapples up, causing Evil and Treachery to run into each other and then destroys the love-ray) That's the way I roll.

[cut to Kim and Señor Senior, Jr. onstage]

Kim: Huh?

[cut to crowd]

Monique: What? Oh, not again!

[cut to Señor Senior, Jr. onstage]

(the crowd boos Señor Senior, Jr. and throws fruit at him)

SSJ: Ahh! The fans! They're so fickle! I'll be in my trailer!

[exit Señor Senior, Jr. and crowd]

[cut to Bueno Nacho]

Ron: A simple date. Just like you said. Not exactly Paris.

Kim: But it will do. Happy Valentine's Day.

Rufus: Awww.

(kiss is interrupted by Monique yelling at Wade)

Monique: How could you possibly think playing with love is a good thing? That's bad for science, bad for love, and bad all the way around. Okay, I'm done being angry now. I'm flattered that you like me.

(Wade notices a girl smiling at him over Monique's shoulder)

Monique: We can be friends.

Wade: That's great. Could you excuse me?

Monique: What? Oh, well. Guess it all worked out then. Oh, great. It's Valentine's Day and I'm dateless.

(notices Ned checking her out)

Monique: Dateless works.

[cut to credits]

Ron: Wade, how's your girlfriend?

Wade: Olivia? Terrible.

Ron: What? But I thought you found out she was a super genius just like you?

Wade: She is. Turns out she's built her own cupid-ray.

(Olivia blasts Wade with love-ray)

Wade: Oh, sweetie peach! I missed you this much!

Ron: You don't think Kim has one of those?

[enter Kim]

Kim: Hey, Ron.

Ron, Rufus: Ahhh!

Kim: What are you doing?

Ron: Nothing.

Kim: You're weird.

Ron: Kim......

Kim: Shh, I like weird.